This Mess We're In Read online

  “You want me to tattoo you?”

  “Yeah. You’re one of us now. I’ll pay full price and everything.”

  I was stunned. I rubbed my hand over my hair and stared at him. What did he mean, I was one of them now?

  “I’m not in the club,” I said.

  “We’ll talk about that later,” said Martel.

  I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. He’d just given me my own tattoo business. I could back out now if I wanted, but the lure of standing in my own shop was too much to turn down.

  “Fine,” I said, noncommittally.

  The guys left me to organize the shop. I never thought I’d have my own place. While I might have been one of the best artists around, I wasn’t the most business-savvy person. Apparently, Martel was going to run the back end of the business, while the front end belonged to me. That suited me fine. I had no interest in dealing with books and accounting. Between my training and my art, there wasn’t any time for that.

  Chapter Fifteen: Claire

  I stared at my phone. My stomach twisted in knots. I wanted to call him and go over to his new apartment. I couldn’t deny my body’s desire. Every time I saw him, I wanted to jump in his lap and shove my tongue in his mouth. When I thought of losing control and letting myself be that vulnerable, I went rigid like a statue.

  Regardless of whether or not Damien and I became a “thing,” it was time for me to face my fears. I couldn’t be alone and celibate forever. That would just suck. I wanted to have sex again. Maybe I’d do it with him. As long as it didn’t get too sticky or serious, it might be good for me. This time, I would be prepared.

  I had to do something about my fear. I called the clinic and made an appointment to get birth control pills. If I got on the pill, at least I’d feel safe.

  I left Rose with a neighbor down the road. She was a housewife whose kids had all gone to college, so she didn’t mind watching Rose for a few hours now and then.

  I drove into town and parked outside the clinic office. It only took about an hour to get my doctor’s visit and birth control prescription. I still had health insurance for that sort of thing. I probably should have done it a long time ago, but this was the first time I’d thought it mattered.

  After I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled, I walked down Main to check in with Emily. On my way to Dream Weavers, I saw the empty shop at the end of Main had its front door open. Someone was moving around inside.

  I jogged across the street to see what was happening. It was always a big event when a new business opened up in a small town like Leggetville. I peeked through the front window and saw Damien standing over a counter, poking at a touchpad with his eyebrows scrunched together.

  I went inside and cleared my throat. When he saw me, a smile lit up his face. He came across the room and enveloped me in his strong arms before I could even think. Inhaling his intoxicating aroma, I let myself fall into his chest. My purse slipped off my shoulder and fell on the floor.

  He pulled away to look at me. I blinked up into his burning blue eyes. His bright smile beamed down on me like rays of the sun.

  “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Is hugging okay?”

  “It’s fine,” I murmured. My body begged for more. My soul craved to be close to him. “You’ve been busy.”

  “Oh, this? Yes, it’s a lot of work.”

  He knelt down to pick up my purse and the prescription. The instructions were stapled to the bag. It had big bold print that made it as clear as day what was in there.

  “New prescription, huh?”

  “Yes.” I snatched the bags from his hands, and my face burned bright red.

  “It takes two weeks,” he said, looking at me with a grin.

  “What?”

  “Two weeks for it to kick in.”

  “Oh, yeah. I know.” I shoved the bag in my purse and changed the subject. “So, nice shop. It’s cool that you’re staying in town.”

  “Yes. I found something worth staying for.”

  “It’s a great town.”

  “It is, but that isn’t what I meant.” His eyes were on me, burning like lasers. I could feel his hot gaze on my face and neck and flicking over my breasts. It made me feel sweaty and wet.

  “I’ve got a new apartment, upstairs. Come have a look.”

  “I don’t know if this is a good time. I’ve got to get back to Rose.”

  “Just come have a look. It’s a nice place. And we can work on your shading.”

  I sighed. “Fine.”

  He led me out of the shop, stopping to lock the front door. We walked around the back of the building. The entrance to his apartment led up a narrow staircase hallway and through another door. Inside the apartment, it was modern and clean. I looked around his place and saw fruit sitting on his kitchen counter and a gigantic big-screen TV.

  “I like it,” I said.

  “Let me give you the tour.” He took my hand and showed me the kitchen, which I could already see. It had nice new everything, including stainless steel appliances. I wished I had those in my house. We had the same appliances we’d had when I was a little kid in the nineties. He showed me the bathroom, which was as nice as the kitchen.

  “This is the bedroom,” he said.

  My heart pounded. I wanted to get naked with him and let him do all kinds of dirty things to me. I could smell the permeating scent of his spicy cologne. I felt myself grow wet and gooey.

  “Maybe we should work on the tattoo?” I said, turning out the door.

  I marched into his dining room and sat at the table under the sunny window. He came out of the bedroom. No matter how much I wanted to feel his arms around me and his lips against mine, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for sex, and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I shouldn’t have even come here.

  He rubbed his hand over his head, making the muscles on his arms flex. God, he was gorgeous. How easy it would be for me to just let him have me. It would be so easy to give in to the carnal lust pumping through my veins.

  He sat down beside me and prepared his equipment. His face was placid. I stared at him while he arraigned his things. I knew I was frowning. He held his gun in his gloved hand and smiled at me.

  “Ready?” he asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ll have to take your shirt off. Showing skin is a requirement.”

  I blushed and looked around the apartment for an escape. Gulping, I pulled my t-shirt over my head, leaving me in a black lace bra. Damien cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes with the back of his tattooed forearm.

  The gun buzzed to life and that same stinging sensation burned through my skin. This time I was ready for it, and it didn’t hurt as much. We sat together for an hour while he filled in the colors in my dragon and the flowers that surrounded it.

  “What’s the deal with your sister, Regan?” he asked me as his tattoo gun hummed.

  “Regan has issues.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Well, you might as well know about my baggage. Then you won’t be interested anymore,” I said, laughing sarcastically.

  “I doubt it.” I explained it to him in gruesome detail. “Shit, Claire. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Well, now you understand why I don’t think we should date.”

  “Your sister’s issues aren’t you. Don’t let her problems keep you from living your life.”

  “But they are my problem. That’s what you don’t understand. I have to keep her safe. I’m responsible for both my sisters and my kid.”

  “You’ve got more integrity in your little toe than most people have in their whole bodies.”

  “Don’t say that. It isn’t true. I’m just doing what I have to. It’s not like I like it. I hate it. Sometimes I think about running away and never coming back.”

  “Doesn’t matter if you like it or not. You do it. You take care of everyone. Why can’t you let yourself have something?”

  I sighed a long, deep sigh. He was right.
I should let myself have something. Was it him that I wanted? I didn’t know. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe what I really wanted was a vacation to Hawaii.

  He was sweet and kind and made me feel like a missing part had returned to me. I loved the way it felt to be with him when I let myself enjoy it. I knew I wanted him sexually.

  Mostly, I wanted my life to be normal. I wanted things to be easy. I wanted my mom back. I wanted Regan back. I wanted Zoe to be able to go to college. I wanted to get a second chance to live my dreams. How did Damien fit into that equation?

  He finished my tattoo and handed me mirrors to look at it. It was absolutely gorgeous and a luxury I never thought I could afford. He covered it with ointment and a bandage. I put my t-shirt back on and turned around in my chair and faced him while he peeled off his rubber gloves.

  “You’re too nice to me.”

  “I don’t see how that could be possible. You deserve nice. You deserve the best anyone has to give.”

  “Jeez. You’re going to give me a swelled head. I won’t be able to go home and face my life.”

  “Well. That wasn’t my intention. I just want you to feel safe with me,” he said, touching my cheek. I pulled away and stood up.

  “I do. Feel safe. It’s just me. I’m neurotic or something. I’ve got to go.”

  I said goodbye and turned away, then strode out the door of his apartment and down the stairs. Out in the sunlight I felt like I could breathe again. The air in his apartment was so thick with pheromones and lust I thought I might faint. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. I couldn’t do this now, even though I kept letting him get under my skin.

  I walked back to my car and drove home thinking of the past.

  Regan had taught me a lot of things when I was a kid, like how to tie my shoes, how to climb a tree. When I was about six or seven, Regan taught me to ride a bike.

  It had been a bright summer afternoon. We were playing on the gravel road in front of our house. I got on the bike and peddled while Regan pushed from behind. I wobbled at first and fell too many times to count. Before long, my knees were skinned and bleeding, but Regan kept cheering me on.

  “Just one more time. You can do it, Claire. You’ve almost got it.”

  I got back on the bike and peddled as hard as I could. That time, I took off fast down the road. I thought she still had her hands on the back as I flew down the street. Laughing like crazy, as the wind blew in my hair, I heard her voice far behind me telling me to “Go, go, go!”

  I swung my head around to see her back in front of the house. In that instant, I swerved into the neighbor’s front yard, crashing through their front gate. I fell with a thud on the hard-packed earth. When I looked up, the neighbor’s pit bull stood over me, snarling.

  It bared its sharp white teeth at me, saliva dripping from its mouth. My heart beat wildly in my chest. I couldn’t move. I wanted to cry out, but no sound came out of my mouth. The dog’s growl kept me immobile. It barked, sharp and angry. I knew it was about to strike. That pit bull had maimed a chihuahua last month. The chihuahua’s owners had to put it down because it had been so hurt.

  From behind me, I heard Regan scream at the dog. “Go away!” she yelled in her most intimidating little girl voice. She picked up gravel stones from the road and hurled them at the dog. It could have lunged at her, but she stood her ground. A stone connected with the dog’s flank. It lunged at her, biting into her arm.

  “Run, Claire!” she screamed. I got up to run, just as the dog’s owner pulled it off of Regan. Mom had to drive her to the hospital to get five stitches in her arm, and she missed a month of piano lessons.

  I never forgot that day. I never forgot who Regan really was.

  Chapter Sixteen: Damien

  After Claire left my apartment, I went for a long workout at the gym. I’d had to hide the fact that I was hard almost the entire time she had been there. I thought I might lose it when she took her shirt off.

  As I lifted weights, I could feel my strength returning. It would take a while to get back in fighting form, but not too long. When I was fit enough, I planned to enter a regional MMA competition. Even though I kept my routine mostly for the discipline, competing gave it a payoff.

  When I finished my workout, I checked the messages on my cell phone. There was a voice mail from Martel asking me to come by the clubhouse. That was the last place I wanted to be, but I owed him. I was in his debt whether I liked it or not.

  If I wanted to stay in this town, with Claire, and run the shop, I had to go through Martel and his gang. With my hair still damp from my shower at the gym, I put on my helmet.

  When I arrived at the clubhouse, it was quiet. The only people there were the officers — Bill, Martel, and Mike. They sat around the living room with serious looks on their faces. I set my helmet on the coffee table and took a seat in a recliner.

  “What’s up guys?”

  “We’ve had a vote, and we’ve voted you into the club,” said Martel.

  “Wait a minute. I never asked to be in the club. How can you possibly vote me in?”

  “You didn’t have to ask. You’re family. Plus, you’re running a club-owned business now. You have to be in the club to run a club business.”

  I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. I knew this was coming, but being part of the club was not on my agenda.

  “What if I turn you down?”

  “You can leave town, leave that little girl you’re so fond of,” said Martel.

  “I need to know more about what you boys do before I can join your gang.”

  “This is a motorcycle club, Cruz. We are a collective of business owners who watch each other’s backs and watch out for this town.”

  “And there’s nothing illegal happening here?”

  “Define illegal.”

  I sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy.

  “Fact is, kid. We need your help. We’re down an officer. Our sergeant-at-arms got into a bad wreck before you came up here. He won’t be riding a motorcycle again, let alone keeping peace in the club. You’re the best candidate for that position, considering your size and strength.”

  “Let me get this straight. You are not only inducting me into this club, but you’re also giving me an officer’s role?”

  “Just shut up and take it,” said Bill.

  I shot him a dirty look. Martel handed me a patch with the Black Blades logo and the sergeant-at-arms insignia.

  “Shouldn’t I give a shit about this club before you give me all this responsibility?”

  “You will,” said Martel. “You’re your father’s kid. You’re more like him than you know. You’re loyal. You pay your debts. You work hard.”

  “My father was a criminal and a jackass.”

  “You didn’t know him at all, son.”

  Martel turned away, and I picked up the patch. What the fuck was I supposed to do with this? I wouldn’t wear it. I didn’t want Claire to know I was associated with this mess. What would she think of me? I had to take it if I wanted to be with her.

  “Alright, I accept. But let’s be clear, I consider this to be on a trial basis.” I picked up the patch and shoved it in my pocket. “What are my duties?”

  Martel turned around and gave me a long steady stare. “You keep the peace in the clubhouse. Kick out assholes making a mess around here. We’ve had a lot of freeloaders lately since Rick got hurt. There’s a few other things we’ll talk about later as they come up.”

  “Fine. I’ll be around on Friday and Saturday nights to get rid of the riffraff. If there’s nothing else, I’ve got stuff to take care of.”

  I turned out the door, and got on my Harley. The change in tone around the clubhouse made me nervous. I knew I owed Martel, but it didn’t mean I trusted him. He’d sent his boys to blackmail me and ruin my life. I knew there was something he still wasn’t saying. I could just feel it.

  I rode home and continued cleaning up the shop. When I was done, I went upstairs, ate dinner
, and took a quick shower. I wrapped myself in a towel and wiped off the mirror. Water dripped from my hair, down my neck and over my chest. I’d been thinking of Claire the whole time I was in the shower, and my cock strained against my damp towel. I could have gone over to the club and found a girl to suck me off, but that wasn’t what I wanted.

  Girls like that didn’t do anything for me anymore. The last time I let one go down on me, I felt a dull sense of disgust about it for days afterward. No. I wanted something real. Even if Claire backed away every time I tried to get close to her, she was all I could think about.

  I went to my room and lay down on my bed. My body was still damp from the shower, and I ran my hand down my abs and stroked myself. My eyes squeezed shut, and I thought about pushing Claire down on my bed and sinking my head between her plump breasts. I’d lose myself in her flesh. I thought of pushing inside her while she moaned. I erupted more quickly than I’d expected, my body shuddering from release.

  I stood, wiped myself off, and pulled on a pair of sweat pants. My cell phone sat on my bedside table. I picked it up and looked at her contact information. Before I could stop myself, I dialed her number.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s Damien.”

  “What’s up?”

  “Do you want to hang out tomorrow?”

  “I have work to do.”

  “I could come over and watch Rose.”

  “You’re going to babysit my kid?”

  “Why not?”

  “Musclebound tattoo guys don’t tend to be babysitters.”

  “Don’t stereotype. I took home ec in high school.”

  “You did not.”

  “I didn’t. But I can cook, and I love kids.”

  “Fine. You can come over if you cook for me, watch my kid, and clean the bathroom. I have so much to do tomorrow. Zoe set up a business website for me and I have all kinds of dresses to make for Dream Weavers. I’m seriously swamped.”

  “Count on it. I’ll be over in the morning with some groceries.”

  “You don’t really have to cook.”